k_sav

Cookhouse with a bunch of awesome people tonight, doug benson tomorrow and beer bags bbq sunday for the great weather. This weekend will be great. I hope you enjoy yours.

Its been a min since I've posted. So much going I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to feel about certain things but one thing that god has taught me this year is control. I don't have any. I can't control situations but I can control my response. I am thankful for that lesson. I look forward to the future and warmer weather.

Oh yeah. I have so many thoughts I can't even begin. I have so many ways I want to handle situations. I'm not sure what to do really. I do know however that I am going to remain positive. There is a lot of negative energy around that I'm going to eliminate and feel that I already have out of my life. Sometimes its funny how much can change. It can make you crazy. But the right attitude can make all the difference. I'm going to keep taking the right steps necessary to remain happy. Focus on myself. AZ was great for helping me, I forgot everything about my life and stress that exists here. Makes me really think about moving back. Who knows really what the future holds. All I know right now is that I need to take each day at a time and remain focused on what I can control, myself. Thank you change, you make me better.

And nothing else matters right now.

That my head just might explode. I've lost it. Everything is fucked, honestly. I'm trying to stay positive, but I just am really having a hard time. I hope AZ helps me clear my head because right now I am hating everything. I'm trying to look at one thing at a time but I am completely overwhelmed. I'm exausted and alone. I suppose as long as nothing happens to my dog I will be ok. Come on vacation.

Catch a frickin break! I'm so sick of this shit happening to me. Can't u pick on someone elsr for a while god?

Be surprised. My past with people in general has opened my eyes and for some reason I ignored that recently. Its ok though, because my situation and especially tonight have really shown me peoples true colors. I'm grateful. Now I know. Az, get ready. My trip to you is necessary at this point and is going to be amazing. Fuck this state right now. Unbelievable how selfish people can be. Life is short and I refuse to let peoples bs get me down. 09, the year of transition and challenge. I take you on and I will win.

Cancer free in 09! :) thank you for everyones thoughts and prayers. Next step is surgery then I should be done with this. I told you I would kick your ass 09.

My boob hurts and is majorly bruised. Get the results tomorrow. Most likely its nothing. Send me your prayers.

Lost a bet...to myself!

I had a terrible saturday night and even worse sunday. As much as I'm still pissed at certain things I'm letting shit go. I'm taking time to re-focus on myself and not get caught up in the bullshit. Less than a week now before my biopsy and I'm really tryin to focus on other things. I feel pretty good about the attitude that I have taken thus far this year. I hope it carries on despite the things trying to tear me down. I won't be negative. Being positive has such a better affect.

Alright, so I don't have to repeat myself a whole bunch to people, here's the latest update. I went to the hospital for my mammogram and ultrasound. The ultrasound was 1st, and the doctor said he didn't like the look of the lump and showed me that it wasn't normally the shape of a lump you would find in someone my age. He had me take 2 mammogram photos. From those he said he saw signs that it looked benign. I have a biopsy scheduled for the 19th and a surgical consult the following week. I should know if its cancer or not two business days after the biopsy, then schedule a surgery to have the lump removed so I no longer have to worry about anything. So yeah. I don't like talking about this really, and its all pretty scary and uncomfortable for me so please understand that.

I just want you to know I hate fighting with you. I love you, and feel an emptyness in my heart when I'm not talking to you. I'm sorry that my comment upset you, it certainly wasnt my intention. No matter what I am always here. A queen isnt quite the same unless she has a king around to complete her royalty. Much love, always. XoXo.

the lump hasnt gotten smaller. Its only gotten worse in fact. I've never been more scared. Everyone is telling me its nothing, and that I shouldnt be scared. "Dont think about it" they say. Yeah, easy for you, you arent the one who has to deal with it. It makes me cry every time I think or even talk about it. I know I will find out what the deal is soon, but honestly, let me be scared that I may have to face breast cancer. That I might be facing something you have never dealt with, or ever will have to deal with. Let me be worried I may have to have work less hours, be constantly under radiation and be sick from the affects. Let me talk about my fears in fact, and not brush me aside or say "that sucks" and change subjects like its just another story. Let me know you care, listen to me and give me some encouragement or support. You know this is not the way I wanted or expected to start 09. I thought I had gotten past this feeling alone thing, but I guess not. It just goes to show your true friends. How one sided things can really be. I suppose again I should thank you for opening my eyes, but really I am just sad you are so willing to throw me away for something so small, and of which you know has no validity. I have and always will love, respect and be here for you. I wish I had people surrounding me that felt the same. 09, I will still kick your ass.

I'm stuck in the god damn airport. My flight isn't scheduled to leave for another 4 hours. Thank god I have internet on my phone. There's always interesting people to watch too. Still, 4 hours seems way too long. I know I'm gonna miss my uncles dinner. I told my brother to save a plate for me. My uncle used to cook professionally, and his meals are always fucking BOMB. Should be an interesting vacay to say the least. It hasn't been long since my last cig and already I'm desiring one.
I'm feeling a little better after having seen the doctor, but I will feel even better after the mamogram is done.
That boy. We had the most amazing night together. He was all over me and said I love you about 20 times, and I know every time things like that happen he starts thinking diffently about the situation, but its still hard. Gonna keep letting time do its thing. It was nice being with him though. Really nice. And I'm looking forward to the next week with the things I have planned with him.
My wife is back! Sucks that I'm out of town, but she and I will have our time together, so I'm excited, even if it is so limited.
Have a merry christmas eve and day everyone. I send my love to you and yours on this special holiday. Much love xoxo.

Goin to the doctor tomorrow, but fuck, I'm scared.

And I'm suppose to be nice and forgiving, all that, but it gets really hard to shut my mouth when you are such a royal dick, and don't even come close to being unselfish yourself. I almost want to say I hate you, but you are family, so I can't. Oooh, you really piss me off. Fuck you. I'm so sick of you only thinking of yourself, especially when you have no right to. Suck an ass, I'm gonna leave every room you enter for however long it is I see you this christmas. I'm done. You have no clue, that's your only excuse, your too fucking stupid to realize.

in my head. Its almost hazy now. There isn't one single thought. I keep wondering, but I know you do too. Funny, almost.

yeah. No words even. Forever kept.

An ass. And a liar to boot. Fuck you. I'm so done, and I dont even care if I make you feel bad anymore. You have made me feel like shit for 4 months now. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of being alone and not moving on. New year, new change. I'm not letting people treat me like shit anymore. Enjoy it for the next 2 weeks because after that I'm done. My patience has run the fuck out.